Give n Take!

A healthy give and take attitude is the basis for a steady relationship. It’s when you realise you are getting nothing in return that a partnership is in jeopardy

 

IN a recent interview, Shahrukh Khan spoke of give and take, and of how nobody wants to give to a taker. “So if I control Bollywood, it is by giving — not taking, nobody gives to a taker… somewhere there is a symbiotic relationship,” he says.
In the same interview, he even talks of a trade-off with God, saying he prays to his late parents in the hope that there “has to be some kind of trade-off” for his losing them early in life, he confesses with endearing frankness.
Every relationship charts out its own gives and takes. That’s what relationships are all about — from a tie as pure as a mother and child to one forged for business alone, give and take is an innate part of every relationship. You cannot hope to just keep taking and expect the tie to last. Even the most philanthropic amongst us wouldn’t want to spend a lifetime giving; at some point there is bound to be the concern, “What did I get out of this?” After all, even charity is doled out in the hope of raking in some returns for ourselves, be they material, physical or spiritual.

Give and take isn’t necessarily a bad word. Nor is it limited to business deals. However it is certainly something that can either be elevated to a lofty status or be relegated to something demeaning and lowly, depending on people involved and intentions.

Quite often we wonder what makes certain relationships tick. As an outsider you may not be able to fathom how two seemingly mismatched people are pulling along in a relationship, but rest assured, there is almost always a reason. There is equal compensation both ways. Sometimes a very strong person who has everything going for him may hook up with an ordinary partner and the world may keep wondering what he gets from her. Witness Sanjay Dutt and Manayata; Aamir Khan and Kiran. Difficult to say, but rest assured there will always be some vulnerability in the strong person that is complemented through the partner’s personality. And, the other person accrues the obvious benefits.

So the give and take works both ways. And till it keeps working, the balance keeps the relationship steady and going. It is when one partner starts feeling that he or she has nothing more to gain from the other that the relationship is in jeopardy. Once you start feeling that there are only debits in a partnership, instinctively you try and get out of the situation.

It may all sound very greedy and selfcentred, but it isn’t really so. Because the give and take is not really a monetary transaction; more a compensation for what the other person needs or misses in his or her life — physical, spiritual or emotional, And yes, even if one person gives just materially, it could make for a workable relationship so long as there is mutual respect. A partner who draws spiritual solace from someone, may be giving material comforts in return. That’s fine, so long as both benefit and the relationship is symbiotic, as Shahrukh says. The point is caring enough to give the other what he or she needs.

Some people are very selfish and stingy when it comes to giving anything of themselves to a partner. In their shortsightedness, they attack the very foundation of a healthy relationship. A relationship with such a person would be self-destructive.

However, if not being a giver is a problem, being just a giver without ever taking anything from anyone also disturbs the balance of nature. A story in psychotherapist Brian Weiss’s book, Through Time into Healing, comes to mind. A daughter, distraught at her mother’s being rendered totally inactive after a paralytic attack, questions God why he has struck helpless a woman who did nothing but give throughout her life. The answer she receives is that by giving her mother two years of dependence on the daughter, God has saved her a lifetime of begging and accepting in another birth. Because it is critical for the mother to understand it’s as important to receive as it is to give.
   
“It is well to give when asked, but it is better to give unasked, through understanding;    And to the open-handed the search for one who shall receive is joy greater than giving    And is there aught you would withhold?    All you have shall someday be given …    See first that you yourself deserve to be a giver, and an instrument of giving.”    — Kahlil Gibran

 

(Source: The Times Of India) 

Happy memories

Each of us would like to leave behind happy memories. And to work on creating those, we need to start now. Not tomorrow. Not even a minute later. Now is the moment

 

Iam scared. For the first time in life, I am really scared. For the security of those I love and care for, and maybe for the first time ever, even scared for those I don’t know at all. For the Mumbai carnage has shown that I can feel for and empathise deeply with even those who are just names and stories in the media for me.

 

I have realised the ease with which hundreds of lives can be ended, the absolute fragility of life. It’s true that nobody can ever be adequately prepared for the final reckoning. Well, not unless you have lived a rather full and fulfilling life that has taken you well into old age. Maybe then. Or, maybe not even then. None of the hundreds dead would have imagined as they woke up to that morning that they would never see their loved ones again, nor get the time to wrap up their lives.

 

In the blinking of an eye, so many lives ended and many more changed forever. In the words of psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, “It’s only when we truly understand that we have limited time on Earth — and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up — that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it were the only one we had.”

 

If anything, that should be our biggest learning from November 26. If that’s how fragile life is, the only way you can trust your one moment to the other is by having no regrets. Regret is not something any of us would like to exit life with and the best way out of that is to keep the slate clean always.

 

We would all like to be remembered, but certainly not for the inadequacies or incomplete work we leave behind. Each of us would like to leave behind happy memories. And to work on creating those, we need to start now. Not tomorrow. Not even a minute later. Now is the moment.

It’s important to ensure that those we love realise the depth of our feelings, those we have harmed know that we regret it and important that we take adequate measures for the protection of those in our care. Why leave off till tomorrow what you can do today? Why leave it another minute longer to tell your dear ones you love them? Why delay telling a friend how much you value her? Why leave off showing your appreciation to a colleague or acquaintance? Why put off that heartfelt apology till it may be too late?

 

So if you’re waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?

For if tomorrow never comes, you’ll surely regret the day,

That you didn’t take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss and you were too busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish.

 

Our biggest tribute to those who lost their lives is by ensuring we live ours in the best possible manner. To develop our potential to the fullest, and be aware of what goes on around us. For knowledge is power.

 

And in that context, the most touching tribute to those dead is the anger of the living, the refusal to “forgive or forget this time”. Not because there’s anything wrong with forgiving and forgetting, but because the remembered pain and the ache of betrayal will spur us on to action, an action that will ensure better lives for all of us and future generations.

 

(Source: The Times of India)